


Take My Hand...

by AlterImpulse



Category: Xenogears
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Assume she's with Margie?, Awkward Sexual Situations, Background Poly, Barebacking, Bathing/Washing, Cozy Catastrophe, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dorks in Love, Elly is not present here, End of the World, Energy Field Sexual Interfacing, Enthusiastic Consent, Established Citan Uzuki/Fei Fong Wong, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Fisting, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Gay Sex, Intimacy, Kink, Loud Sex, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Married Couple, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Post-Apocalypse, Post-Canon, Reference to noncon in Fei's past, Reincarnation, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sexual Content, Sharing a Bath, Symbolism, background canon het - Freeform, but everything here is consensual, canon energy woo, established couple experiments with kink, if this needs more warnings and tags tell me!, they can't talk dirty for anything lol, tired characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-18 18:51:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19340497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlterImpulse/pseuds/AlterImpulse
Summary: Fei and Citan have some time to themselves after a difficult day after the end of the world. Intimacy, angst, and kink.





	Take My Hand...

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic is actually inspired by my wanting to write a story where kink (and kind of hardcore extreme kink at that!) and intimacy/love are not entirely exclusive. Much of the present kink discourse on Tumblr is that kink is itself inherently abusive and harmful, and honestly I find that approach too limited. So I challenged myself: kink in the context of a loving, intimate couple without an extreme domination/submission subtext required for said kink. This story is the result.

Fei had never truly considered just how much  _ work _ maintaining a homestead was, especially with little outside input, if any, and it was so much more than he had done before even in Lahan - so much that he felt so tired, so sore after the first spring planting that year, and he could tell from how slowly, deliberately Citan moved, that he felt the same, if not worse.

Nonetheless, he still found it seemingly necessary to poke at and fuss over the bathtub rather than simply turn on the feed from the rainwater collector and the boiler to warm it, appearing to be caught up in the settings for everything, as if one slight adjustment would make the difference between a perfect bath and something unacceptable. It amused Fei that he cared so much about that, too much about that, but… then there had to be a reason for it. And, he had to admit, it was worth it - although at a certain point when sharing a bath with him, _he_ never cared about such things as water temperature and texture.

And even so tired from a day of survival work, he felt  _ that _ again as he looked at him: a strong body from years of fighting and training, the wing scars on his back from the time  _ he _ had almost been transformed into one of those things they had to fight, long black hair down from its loosely braided ponytail fallen down into his face.

“I love you…” Fei whispered.

“Mmm. If I move the thermocouple to the side...oh. Fei.” Citan looked up from his work on that old bathtub, which, he would always brag, for all its faults,  _ had _ survived the end of the world. “Yes?”

“I said I loved you…”

“...Oh! You did? I was slightly preoccupied…” He turned off the boiler and stood up. “It is finally warm enough for me. Would you like to join me, or wait until…”

“In more ways than one.” Fei loved the reaction  _ that _ drew from Citan, to see him off balance and  _ surprised  _ by how intense his needs were - the shy look, the nervousness yet not fear that he rarely seemed to show with him, that calm, reasoned facade breaking just a little. “I want you so much right now…”

“I am not certain if I am capable of the most vigorous performance at the moment, Fei, it has been such a tiring day and all…”

“Then… I want to just lie in your arms. See what you want, once we both feel better from the bath.” Fei smiled at him as they both sank into the water - the tub wasn’t the largest, being made from repurposed oil drums, but there was room for both of them, there always had been, since the first time they had ever bathed together.

“I love being close to you…” Citan whispered against his lips as they parted for a kiss. “Even if… my body seems to be too exhausted for…”

“It’s all right,” Fei said, and laid back against him. The warmth of the water made the soreness of his body lessen somewhat, and he sighed in pleasure at that. “Didn’t think either of us expected this part of the end of the world, you know?”

“Yes, the part where we are driving ourselves to exhaustion to try to save what is left…” Citan’s voice sounded heavy, almost  _ sad _ . “But what else can we do? At least we have survived…for now…”

“We will make it. All we fought for can’t be for nothing.” Fei leaned in for another kiss, and turned to scoop water up over Citan’s hair. “Don’t worry about it. That won’t help anything.”

“But what if we cannot get enough to sustain us growing here…”

“You’re forgetting that we have the forest. And the sea. And everything from rankars to rabbits. And…”

“And that is what we have been relying on the last few months.” A sniffle. “This is not anything I wanted. I wanted everyone to negotiate a reasonable solution…”

“Sometimes there isn’t one.” Fei said, and picked dirt and stray leaves from his hair. “Although… why? Why  _ did _ you  _ ever _ think releasing the limiters for everyone was a good idea when it did that? If they’d remained in place and we got the key first?”

“I do not even know. It seemed as if it were our best option at the moment.” A whisper. “Do you blame me? Because I blame myself every moment. I see all of the options I should have considered, and instead I feel as if I myself allowed myself to be used, because I trusted Krelian to be… in the end, a fellow man of reason… that once Solaris was weakened, once Etrenank was gone, that he had understood as I had, rather than suspect his intentions as I should…”

“I think… it wasn’t just you. We… all had our roles in that. Elly and I were too… lost in our own problems and what we were discovering about ourselves. Sigurd and Jesse and Bart should have overruled your idea and went ahead with their own plans. And if any of us knew what was in that satellite…”

“I  _ knew _ , Fei. I unfortunately thought Krelian would have the sense not to activate it…that he simply was playing the long game of revenge against Solaris.” A sad sigh. “Why I thought Bart and Jesse were being too much, and the risks from their plan were not worth it, and it would be better to spread the releaser nanomachines, but then… you understand that feeling of when you know it is hopeless?” Tears formed in his eyes. “The first transformations coming back positive for an engineered virus. I knew, in that moment, if he had created such a thing, he was more than willing to  _ use _ the key, that he was simply displeased with Solaris managing god rather than fully giving ourselves over… and I had chosen to throw away the only means we had to neutralize the key.” He reached out for him. “I should have listened to Jesse… I could have… it is…”

Fei gently stroked his face, and dabbed at the tears with a bath sponge. “It’s over now. You couldn’t have known everything, even if you thought you did. Even if we thought you did sometimes.” A kiss. “Now, if you don’t mind, I can’t reach between my shoulders and I think I have something there and it hurts…”

“Turn around, then. Let me see that… I hope you did not get stung by a whiptail again.”

“Me neither, not now, I can’t stay in bed for a week…” Fei turned his back and handed him the sponge. “Be careful...ouch! What are you-“

“Just a few cholla spines. Why anyone brought  _ that _ to this planet, I have no idea. And that it is now around my land…”

“Maybe no one brought it on purpose. The terraforming thing… random errors. Didn’t you say that once?”

“The Yahweh system trying to recreate Earth from corrupted data on a surface to which it did not apply, and being stopped halfway, yes. That is why we have some of the most surreal changes from what this planet once was. Someday, I wish to do a full survey of the terraforming.” Thinking about that angle of their situation seemed to brighten Citan’s mood, something Fei  _ knew _ would do so. “It is odd that the terraforming did not match Earth as depicted in the Raziel records. That still intrigues me, as to whether it is the core data in Yahweh itself having been corrupted, this planet itself not being amenable to the changes, or the AI being too literal and incapable of adapting.”

Fei smiled slightly to himself at that. In a way, it was selfish - he, himself,  _ they _ needed Citan to be focused on anything else but hopelessness and regret - yet in its own way, as Lacan’s voice echoed in his head, the memory of his sorrow over  _ not  _ reaching out to someone barely hiding their own emotions, it wasn’t mere selfishness.  _ I will not let  _ you _ take Krelian’s path without even knowing you could even as you blame yourself for trusting him. He began with this same doubt, this same self-hatred. _

He realized he had spoken those words, as Citan stared at him in open-mouthed shock, having turned to face him once more. “You… Lacan just…”

“That’s right. You two are very similar. And,” Fei reached out for him. “Lacan and I both don’t want you being just like him as the years pass, consumed in your own desire to make things right. We know you grieve for Yui, for the world, that you blame yourself and are convinced you could have  _ done something _ . Do you know what that leads to? Somewhere, you will convince yourself that your need to be in control is everything.”

Citan blinked at that, and reached out for him in the now-cold water of the bath. “I… you fear that for me?”

“Too much.” Fei whispered. “And… with my power on your side, how much damage could you cause? How much suffering could you inflict if you came to feel you had to be the ultimate protector? Of...people, from experiencing life? Or if you saw everything before you as a mere experiment?”

“I… think I understand now. You know, do you not?”

“Those wing grooves. You will live a  _ very _ long time. Who knows how long? Maybe past several forms of myself.” Fei whispered, and snuggled against him. “I don’t want you to become embittered like he did. From what Lacan said… it wasn’t like Krelian woke up one morning and decided he wanted to turn all humans into Wels. Once… he  _ was _ like you. That’s why…”

“I...guess you are right. I… need to remind myself that what we have done was for a purpose, that… I cannot lose myself in how I feel we have failed…”

“That’s right… and I’m cold. And you’re looking wrinkly-“

“Is that not rather insulting? But… I guess we did lose track of time. Do you still want…”

“So much,” Fei said as he climbed out of the tub, not bothering to wrap a towel around himself. ”If you…”

“I do, but we will need to try something else tonight. I am sorry, it…”

“So? You’re tired and we’re both going through so much. But if  _ you _ still want me…”

“It is not as if that is our only option.” Citan smiled, that odd smile that Fei had always found so  _ cute,  _ when he was thinking of something other than war, other than planning for the worst. “It is not like my hands cannot give you what you desire.”

“You would? Even if you can’t get anything from it?”

“And you think I cannot? For me, the pleasure of the mind can be just as intense as when I come, myself.” Citan leaned in for another kiss. “To watch you obtaining that pleasure from my touch is more than enough for now.”

Fei moaned softly into the next kiss as they fell together onto that soft pillow mattress, the one that still smelled faintly of Yui’s favorite perfume - the scent of roses and strawberries - and in its own way it felt as if her energy was there, a memory of her soul, that she was absolutely okay with the idea that he was there now, that he had not somehow stolen Citan from her, but that she had brought them together knowing how fragile life in this world could be…

“Your beauty never ceases to amaze me. I would have expected nothing less of you, being what you are…” Citan kissed that spot between his neck and shoulder, and Fei reached down to touch himself, the need already becoming so overwhelming even before the touch of soft yet strong hands on his back, a light nibbling of his earlobe then another kiss…

The touch of his own hand on his hard cock through that back rub and those kisses was not enough for him, it never was at this point, and Fei put both of his hands on his ass, spreading himself open.

“That is rather forward, Fei, is it not? But so enthusiastic. And…you do want something inside?”

“Yes!” Fei almost screamed it in frustration - that Citan could not take the hint annoyed something within him, yet he found it a relief that he  _ did _ ask first, not like… no. He would not think of that memory, Grahf’s hands on his body in a killing field in Elru… it did not belong here, with someone who loved him, and he would not give him that, the power to ruin something else, anything else.

“Then, I will give you all that you desire.” A kiss to that place on the small of his back before one of Citan’s hands rested there, the other, two slick fingers easily slipping into his body as he bore down. This, the usual before he would take his cock in the place of those fingers, and it felt so  _ good _ , the rhythm of pushes against that place within him that was its own unique pleasure that Elly could never seem to do like this, in this way that increased his need for more rather than making it all end too fast…

Fei could not hold back the moan as he rocked back on those fingers, trying to get them deeper inside him, needing the steady pressure against that spot rather than these teasing jabs that sent soft tingles of pleasure through him but also weren’t enough at this point…

“Oh, Fei… you open like a flower before me…”

That was not exactly the words he wanted to hear. “...Really? Are you done?”

“I thought it to be…”

“What about ‘you’re so hot and tight inside-‘“

“That, too.” Citan laughed and kissed him again. “I could get my whole hand inside you…”

“I… I’ve never done that before. Are you sure…?”

“I have. It is...a very unique pleasure for some. Others would rather not even consider it. But… Sigurd gave me the best release I ever had, that way, one time. I will be very careful if you would wish to try.”

Fei nodded. “I trust you,” he said quietly before a harsh, feral voice that still terrified him from its power spoke through his body. “Don’t make us regret it.”

“I will not make either of you regret it. Now… this will likely be slightly uncomfortable…”

Those words felt like an understatement at first to Fei. He found himself stretching himself with his hands, once more, grunting as if it were a need to vocalize something, and bearing down harder than he ever had on anything and the feeling was so  _ weird _ . Painful, but more of the pressure he had craved, needed, so much more than that, it felt so strange and he felt so full and yet it felt so wrong and yet so good and he had… no words except those grunts, as everything seemed to narrow into these feelings he couldn’t identify and yet…

He needed more of this, as he leaned into it, finding an almost rhythmic way of clenching and releasing the muscles inside him, and slowly the feeling went from weird to  _ good _ , he relaxed slightly as that massive pressure within him began to move, and then it hit just right and he was crying out in pleasure as Citan kissed him once more.

“What does it feel like? Are you…”

“Like… my body is drifting but in a good way?” Fei shivered and suddenly, spontaneously laughed. “It feels like I need to, you know. But… like it’s so good and oh, yes, like that oh…”

“I could make you come at this very moment, Fei. Would you like that?”

“Mmm… not yet. I…need to just...mmm…” He knew his words made no sense, his thoughts barely so as he groaned in need and pleasure, this odd feeling of wanting that out  _ right now _ but needing it within him as Citan moved his hand back and forth slowly, as Fei realized he was getting fucked with a hand and wrist but didn’t care because it felt so overwhelming, and then he felt something he could not define go from that spot in him all the way down his cock, a boiling heat that he  _ had _ to release in some way and the word came out as a strangled plea. “Make me… I need to…”

Then he had almost no idea of exactly  _ what  _ Citan was doing except the hand inside him moving, the hand on the small of his back pressing in as his body bucked up and he pushed hard and everything felt like that moment he had first made contact with the Wave Existence, something beyond any description in the moment

And then the moment was  _ over, _ and he felt almost as if he had fallen from the infinity of space and time back onto that futon bed, an odd feeling of lightness, as Citan pulled his hand from his trembling, twitching body. “...Wow.”

“Did I not tell you?” A soft kiss to his lips as he turned him onto his back, cleaning him with the towel they had left from the bath. “My Fei. My Anonelbe… to see you so enthralled with what your body is capable of…”

“Yeah…” Fei didn’t have much more for words in that moment, but threw his arms around Citan and held him to himself. “Was that what you needed?”

“Very much so. Although you  _ are _ very tired. I will take care of my needs myself.”

“Don’t say that.” Fei held him close. “I...uh, it won’t hurt me and I’m still uh, really…”

“You would, for me?”

“For both of us!” Fei threw his legs over Citan’s shoulders, craving the closeness of this position, of just seeing him as he sought his own pleasure. His cock felt too sensitive, but it felt so good at the same time, to hold Citan so closely to him as he fucked him with such intense need and passion, his thrusts fast and hard and rough, his own body quivering as tears ran down his face and he mumbled what Fei guessed were curses or endearments or some combination of both in Solarian.

He felt hot warmth inside him, stickiness as Citan slumped against him with a loud almost howl. “Oh. Fei. I think I may have…”

“Of course you did, silly,” Fei whispered and ran his hands through his hair. “Feeling better?”

“So very much…”

The sound of what sounded like a whip, snapped very loudly against the front door, drew both of their attention. “I think we woke the neighbors.”

“Will you deal with that? I am about to fall asleep.”

Fei pulled on a bathrobe - there was no way pants were happening right now - and made his way to the door, with an equally sleepy, annoyed, and impressed Bart at the doorstep.

“I don’t know whether to fight you or congratulate you, man, but some of us are trying to get some shut-eye. And I’m pretty sure you’re gonna be having a serious talk with Midori tomorrow about why people make those noises.”

“Uh, yeah. Uh, thanks for watching her. We needed some time alone.”

“Obviously!” Bart laughed and elbowed him. “And you gotta tell me  _ everything _ tomorrow. Anyway, go to sleep so those of us in the Yggdrasil can.”

“Sure thing. Night.” Fei sighed as he remembered the airship was, indeed, docked just outside the hill path, and stumbled back to bed.

Citan lay there, a slight snore escaping him at moments as he talked in his sleep about building a solar-operated Gear for field management and weeding and planting. “It is not… weaponized in a traditional sense…”

Fei snorted to himself, put the blanket he had kicked off back over them, and snuggled against him to, himself, fall asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fictional story set in a non-Earth science fiction world.  
> Do not imitate or replicate anything depicted in this story.  
> If you want to explore fisting or other extreme anal insertions I would strongly advise you to reconsider, and if after reconsidering you still wish to do it, DO NOT RELY ON THIS STORY FOR EDUCATION, go read an actual sex education resource! Bareback sex is not good in real life, ALWAYS USE A CONDOM, the only reason it is depicted here is because HIV/AIDS does not exist in canon and everyone having sex knows their status/it's a closed relationship. If you are under 18 years of age, close this page immediately, and if someone has shown it to you/directed you toward it, please be aware they are abusing you.


End file.
